9.99 +++ Worst possible match type for Kane vs Reigns +++ Damien Sandow is a Boomer Sooner +++ The Tornado DDT should be Dean Ambrose’s finisher +++ Lana is Marilyn Monroe +++ Cesaro is a jobber’s jobber +++ Chris Jericho vs Luke Harper could have been a good match +++ I refuse to say anything about Layla & El Torito +++ Cooking with Dean Ambrose +++ For the first time CM Punk chants are used correctly

Dean Ambrose cooking


9.99
The newest edition of RAW started off with a running gag that went its way through the whole show and afterwards through the internet. I don’t have the numbers but given the aggressive “in-your-face” promotion for the WWE Network at every tiniest opportunity, the thing isn’t such a huge success. So, subscribers probably take the free trial but don’t make it a permanent deal afterwards. And I guess, people either would have the time to watch the WWE Network the whole day but can’t afford 9.99 per month or people could afford the money but don’t have the time to watch it reasonably enough. So, it would be interesting for me to know from people who actually have subscribed to the WWE Network, how much they watch it with still having their jobs safe.

The running gag now was that Triple H and the whole Authority, i.e. Stephanie McMahon, Randy Orton, Kane and Seth Rollins, almost sarcastically mentions that you can watch basically everything on the WWE Network for 9.99. Commentators Michael Cole, JBL and Jerry Lawler joined in later and throw this fact at us at every pleasant and unpleasant time.

You can say that this strategy is ridiculous because they basically made a joke from their own product. But they already did aggressive promotion since it was released earlier this year. So, they probably thought that self-irony would finally help increase the numbers. With the WWE Network finally will be launched in 170 other countries very soon, this was also the perfect time to make people talk about it. And they did. Usually with jokes about 9.99 but that’s still better than no-one talking about the WWE Network, right?

Besides from the promotion, Triple H told us what we would miss at SummerSlam if we don’t have the WWE Network and what we should expect from this episode of RAW. Then, Randy Orton promoted his own match at SummerSlam against Roman Reigns and our hero came out. But he stopped halfway to challenge Orton for a match right now. Instead, he got a match against Kane.

Worst possible match type for Kane vs Reigns
So, it was Kane again, the big guy who always moves very slowly. And on the other side Reigns who has got his power moves but also doesn’t move very quickly. For these two opponents we now got a Last Man Standing match. That means, the winner needs a 10-count on his opponent for the win. Otherwise, everything is allowed, i.e. Kendo sticks or tables. And Kendos and a table were indeed used. And this stipulation can create exciting matches. Just not this one. Not, if you use the 10-count every fifth second. In this case, you have a very boring match. Like this one. The worst part about it was that it lasted for almost 14 minutes, 12 of them probably used all the counting. In the end, Reigns, of course, won this match.

It was then announced that “Lights Go Out” will be the official song of SummerSlam and none other than Fozzy are the creators. Chris Jericho & Fozzy should perform it live, just before Y2J has to fight Bray Wyatt.

A very lengthy special was shown afterwards, about the match we should all look forward to: Super Cena vs Brrrock Lesnarrr. There was even another poll on the WWE website, asking what match WWE fans are looking most forward to. Of course, Cena vs Lesnar were in front by a whopping lead to the second placed match, Reigns vs Orton. Ambrose vs Rollins turned just out to be third placed. Since I almost know, that these polls are faked, this is pretty much wishful thinking by WWE. But I can only speak for myself that I pretty much don’t care about these first two placed matches. At. All. Side note: this special of felt ten minutes were even shown twice at this episode of RAW. Side note II: Why is Cena’s “son of a bitch” not beeped over when anyone other’s “bitch” or even “shit” is beeped over?

Damien Sandow is a Boomer Sooner
Again, Damien Sandow had to sport an American football gimmick. Or was it baseball? Or any other game I’m not familiar with? Thankfully, Damien Sandow explained the Red River rivalry between the Oklahoma Sooners and the Texas Longhorns. It turned out that Mark Henry, since Austin is his hometown, was Sandow’s face counterpart of the day and Sandow got his usual loss within 48 seconds. Not a good day for Oklahoma. Or Sandow. As usual.

After this, Adam Rose had a strange backstage interaction with his evil spirit in a mirror: an Adam Rose dressed in a suit. He recognized his alter ego as a lemon and went off with his entourage that is the Exotic Express.

The Tornado DDT should be Dean Ambrose’s finisher
Dean Ambrose You may ask: the Tornado DDT again? Yes, that’s right, because I love this move and wish that would be Dean Ambrose’s finisher. Nothing wrong with the Headlock Driver a.k.a Dirty Deeds because today it was also integrated in the storyline. But I just think that the Tornado DDT is more unique and spectacular than the Headlock Driver.

Anyway. How did it come to this? Alberto Del Rio again? Well, I quite like Del Rio. Both men aren’t very familiar with each other, so they had a lot to talk with each other to be sure about their next moves. But there was definitely some subtext into this match. Apart from the stipulation. That turned out to be a Beat The Clock challenge with Dean Ambrose being the first one to set the time for Seth Rollins to beat in his own match. Something like this is always interesting, but not because of the excitement who would be the winner in the first match. Because, since Dean Ambrose had to set the time, there was no chance, Alberto Del Rio could indeed win this match. The excitement about the first match was all about, how long Dean Ambrose would need to get the win. And these 15:42 minutes in the end didn’t suit him very much. Usually, these first matches last for around five minutes, so the second match has got some meaning. But with these 15:42 minutes, Dean Ambrose didn’t really have the chance to win this challenge to name the stipulation for their match at SummerSlam. Well, he didn’t have the chance under normal circumstances. But what about Dean Ambrose is normal?

Lana is Marilyn Monroe
The next match between Sin Cara and Rusev with Rusev winning, was hidden completely on the WWE App. Yes, I could watch it but I doubt that these barely more than ten seconds are worth to have a look on said App. So, we basically got the felt ten minutes review of Stephanie vs Brie on television, while some new material was shown during the commercial break. That’s really something to convince some more people to download the App! At least, we got to see and listen Lana impersonating Marilyn Monroe singing “Happy Birthday” for the president of the United States. In Russian. Zeb Colter interrupted her, told her that her ego will be crushed at SummerSlam, called her Natasha, and finally Rusev went for Swagger to beat him out of the ring. Rusev wanted to go after Colter as well but Lana held him back to just mock the old man with some “We the people” chant.

Cesaro is a jobber’s jobber
What can I say about this match: Cesaro vs Dolph Ziggler with Mizzz on commentary? Ziggler won within just over two minutes and despite distraction by Mizzz. All these very long two minutes I felt for Cesaro. Hopefully, after SummerSlam creatives will come up with something more suitable for him than being a jobber’s jobber basically. Side note: Why is Mizzz a wrestler when he’s so frightened that something could happen to his face. This gimmick is so stupid but somehow fits the guy because of that.

Backstage, Paige went on to make friends. And Stardust & Goldust finally had another tag team match. Against Rybaxel again.. The match lasted for just under three minutes with the Rhodes brothers winning. A longer match would be great to get a better feeling for these two. There are some good signs, but I still miss something. Maybe a good opponent. And a longer match.

A mini segment backstage happened after this match: Kane joined Triple H and Stephanie, took off his mask and went off again. Does he have enough from being the lapdog of The Authority? Will he finally join the brighter side of hell? In WWE none is shown without an actual reason, so maybe this is just another teaser for SummerSlam or already the very next RAW.

Chris Jericho vs Luke Harper could have been a good match
Like the headline suggests: once again I was very disappointed with the interruption by Bray Wyatt when the match just started to get interesting. But because of disqualification, Jericho got the win after just five minutes. The segment was finished after Sister Abigail by Bray Wyatt on Jericho.

I refuse to say anything about Layla & El Torito
Now, for Fandango, whom is being made even more ridiculous and embarrassed from one week to the other. This time, he came out with his new “dance partner”, Hornswoggle. How and why did Fandango picked him? But that didn’t really matter. Because, Fandango lost against Diego after just 41 seconds. Hornswoggle was invited by El Torito to join their dance. So, when this goes on like this, it will turn out to be an “Exotic Express 2”.

Cooking with Dean Ambrose
Dean Ambrose 1439 Dean Ambrose 1442 The opponent announced for Seth Rollins until now was Rob Van Dam. And he also made his entrance. But when Seth Rollins was in the ring as well, it was announced that The Authority have decided otherwise. Now, Seth Rollins would have to face Heath Slater and when the bell rang, Seth Rollins couldn’t wait to mock Heath Slater and basically advice, that he should leave the ring for a 10-count-out. Obviously, Seth Rollins was full of confidence that a win would only be a matter of time – literally. From the earlier match between Dean Ambrose and Alberto Del Rio, Seth Rollins now had 15:42 minutes to get the win over Heath Slater. But Heath Slater didn’t even think about giving up without trying and finally went for Seth Rollins when the match started with already almost one minute passed.

And it didn’t take long for Dean Ambrose strolling by to witness in person what would happen during the second match of this #BeatTheClock challenge. Just for the record: Ambrose had two chances to win this challenge: 1) Heath Slater vs Seth Rollins would last longer than 15:42 minutes; 2) Heath Slater wins the match. So, Dean Ambrose coming along certainly had one reason: he wanted to distract Seth Rollins for one of the possibilities to happen. And because it was quite hilarious, I’ll write it down in the following list (there is also a fabulous Gif-set over here in case you’re more into watching moved pictures than reading some text):

  • (14:30 BTC) | Dean Ambrose comes strolling around to have a look at ringside. Seth Rollins notices him and is instantly annoyed;
  • (13:47 BTC) | Dean Ambrose grabs the briefcase at ringside, have a listen to it (just to make sure it wasn’t really a bomb inside of it?);
  • (13:14 BTC) | Dean Ambrose takes the contract out of the briefcase, has a short look on it until Seth Rollins pays attention again, then rips it off, slowly and painfully;
  • (12:44 BTC) | Dean Ambrose “steals” a cup of soda from some random guy in the audience and drinks from it. (side note: I instantly thought that it wasn’t just a random guy but actually someone who was placed there to make DA steal his drink. And thanks to the fabulous mxjoyride, I was confirmed in my assumption that it was actually an Indie wrestler called Ricky Starks.)
  • (12:24 BTC) | Dean Ambrose spills the rest of the soda in the briefcase;
  • (12:04 BTC) | Dean Ambrose picks up some random popcorn (that was clearly placed there by WWE before), tastes it and watches with interest what the match is all about;
  • (11:42 BTC) | Dean Ambrose spills the popcorn in the briefcase. Michael Cole notices that the popcorn would be candy by now (which is probably right; Jerry Lawler should have tasted it);
  • (11:28 BTC) | Dean Ambrose is clearly in search for another ingridient to whatever he is cooking in the briefcase and finally picks up JBL’s cowboy hat. JBL isn’t amused and calls for the police (side note: WWE should have played “King Of Pain” by The Police at this moment);
  • (11:17 BTC) | Dean Ambrose stuffs the hat right into the briefcase to the soda and the popcorn. JBL is shattered;
  • (11:04 BTC) | Dean Ambrose climbs on the announcers table, briefcase in hand and holds it up high to mock Seth Rollins even more (side note: because the briefcase isn’t waterproof, the soda is spilled all over the table and the three announcers, especially Michael Cole);
  • (10:53 BTC) | Seth Rollins is caught by surprise when Heath Slater grabbed him from behind to get the 3-count and the win; Dean Ambrose looks on in half surprise, half enjoyment.
  •  
    Dean Ambrose Dean Ambrose Dean Ambrose

So, with this performance Dean Ambrose got the win in the Beat The Clock-challenge and has now the opportunity to choose the stipulation for the match at SummerSlam. Satisfied with himself, he was dancing off while Seth Rollins wasn’t amused at all. He went his way out of the ring to the announcers table to inspect his briefcase and empty it over the table. The poor hat didn’t look very well and might smell like cornsoda now.

For the first time CM Punk chants are used correctly
And the last segment was once again a Divas segment: the contract signing for the match of Stephanie McMahon vs Brie Bella. Nikki Bella was with her and Triple H with his wife. And Michale Cole was supposed to be there as some neutral person to overview the scene. So, everything could be done right and without any sentiments against each other. Yeah, sure. Like any previous contract signing would have gone to plan! But after all it was a nice strory within this segment with Stephanie and Triple H were just about ready to making out when Brie Bella interfered to say that they should sign the contract first before all people in the arena would throw up. But that wasn’t the only point, Brie Bella made. She also talked about her intention to win against Stephanie not only for herself or her husband Daniel Bryan but also The Big Show, The Rhodes Brothers and all others that were used only to Stephanie’s amusement. And that was the moment when for the first time CM Punk chants were used by the audience at a very fitting moment. Brie Bella then signed the contract without actually reading it.

Very shortly after, Steph also signed but promised that she wants to tear Brie’s heart out at SummerSlam. I hope, she doesn’t mean that in a literarry sense of words. And then the after-show started: Steph hits Nikki Bella with the contract, Brie got trapped behind the table by Triple H and Steph hit Triple H’s Pedigree finisher on Nikki. Bella could free herself just to slap Triple H but she couldn’t avoid being pedigreed by Steph herself. And after this huge victory, Steph and Triple H were finally able to make out – much to my annoyance (and maybe some other people in the audience as well).


The Gifs in this review were brought to you by yayitsthewyattfamily / perfectmystic / jimdrugfree.

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